I accidentally had phone sex last night
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
