So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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