put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
