I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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