Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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