remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
