We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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