you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
