I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
