it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
