I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
