I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
