I can text with my tongue
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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