He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
