One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
