dude i'm inner monologue high
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
