You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
