So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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