laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
