If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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