Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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