My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
