Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
