I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
