I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I deserve this hangover.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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