I could have mohawked her pubes.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
