You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
