fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
