my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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