I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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