Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
