batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We need to get me chipped asap
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
