Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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