Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
