***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
