I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
