Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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