Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
