to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
