im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
