My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
