lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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