i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
