how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
