my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
