So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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