Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
