I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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