Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
