I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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