the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
