Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize