"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
