I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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