I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
