I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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