I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
