I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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