I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
