sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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