i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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