So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
