Pants 0. Shit 1.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
